"Are you *still* dealing with this, in Sheridan's situation on Z'ha'dum,
and the decision he has to make? Is this where you get your strength of
will, that you've faced this decision yourself?.....You've been dealing
with the whole issue of finding something worth living for, rather than
something worth dying for, since when, "Infection"? "

In retrospect, that was something I probably should not have mentioned,
and would not have, had the thing not just utterly blindsided me in the
middle of the conference. What got me through the attack, and its
aftermath, those years ago, was sheer unadulterated rage...that I would
not allow them to take my life because I had stories left in me to tell.
And no matter what, I'd tell those stories. At first, I'd made my peace
with myself...I'd never gone out of my way to hurt anyone, had helped
where I could, had done some good work...I had a few things on the shelf,
not a lot, but a start...but then I just started to get mad about it, and
pulled myself back from the edge.

So yeah, in a sense, I've faced that black, implacable wall...and it does
drive you, after a while. And I do think, to a large degree, I'm still
trying to define myself, to find what it is that's at the center for me,
beyond the work. But then, I don't think that's terribly special...it
seems to be the standard dilemma in an industrial society.



jms